Always with Me
by Soulstrife
Summary: Eh this one's a little mediocre, as it's old. But I spent time on it, so up it stays ^^ This is Aya's POV, his pondering over a lost 'kitten'


A fic I wrote because I had the passing fancy....no timeline, no spoliers, just my loopy imaginiation and its demented....imagninings....right-o. Read on, if you will!   
  
  
"Pairing" - Youji + Aya  
  
  
Always With Me  
  
  
  
  
I never realized how much you meant to me until you were gone.  
  
I never perceived how much I needed you in my life until you left it.  
Never imagined you could wring grief out of this passionless heart.  
No, I never dreamed you could make me feel at all.  
  
When did it happen? How could have these emotions have developed without me noticing? How could I have let them? Am I really so weak? Never have I let anyone penetrate this castle of ice I live in. None but my beloved sister. I am the Ice King, and I am my own ruler. I need no one in my life. Or so I always believed.   
  
If I am the Ice King, you were the Lord of the Sun. You melted my precious ice palace and left me basking in our warmth, revelling in your golden light - craving it. Too late. Light fades. And the night always comes to soon. Damn the ebony sky for swallowing your radiance and replacing it with the sombre dark. Curse the jealous moon for chasing my beloved sun away. It never did compare to you. You were one of a kind.  
  
My entrance into the world of the living is the result of your exit. Now I love, I hurt, I cry like the rest of the population. At what cost? What's the point? Oh, what a sweet world it could have been had you stayed to share it with me. But all my unborn dreams withered when your verdant eyes fluttered shut for the final time.   
  
I never told you how beautiful your eyes were. I never told you a lot of things. Like how I loved you. I still love you Youji. Maybe I lied. Maybe I did realize how much you meant to me before you left me. But I was afraid to do so. How could I go about professing my love to the straightest man in all of Tokyo? You would have been repulsed by me, you would have pushed me away. And if by some miracle you had taken what little I offered, could I bare being a one night stand? Another conquest. I don't care any more. It would have been worth it, had it mean being with you -if only for a night. Had I only taken the chance.   
  
Yes, I know it's too late for regrets. But I regret anyway. I regret everything Youji. I regret not seeing you for what you really were. I regret all the terrible things I said to you. I regret that I wasn't honest with you. I regret that I didn't have the courage to tell you.  
  
Regret those horrific last minutes.  
  
I didn't want to believe you were really dieing. I've completely forgotten what the mission was for, or how it came to pass. All that I remember begins at the point when you made the decision to trade your life for mine. I never saw the him aim the gun at me. But you did. I didn't even hear the crack of the bullet as he fired the shot. But I did hear your scream. Everything else stopped. An eternity passed in a second, and time ran its course oblivious to us in those last few minutes. I felt your body shoving me out of harm's way, then falling the rest of the way to the floor with me. Somehow that bullet found its mark. It pierced your heart. It pierced mine too. The blood had not yet began to flow as I scrambled to your side. You were beautiful even in death. Your body did not so much as tremble as you readied yourself for the next world. Mine did as I wrapped my arms around you, and pulled you close. It was to be the first and last time. I know you saw the tears when they mingled with your liquid life.   
  
I bet you never imagined that you could make me cry either.  
  
You were surprised. Did you feel regret too? Was it sorrow that laced those jade eyes as I pulled you closer. You were getting colder.   
  
Was it remorse which made you say what you did?  
  
"I'll always be with you Aya."  
  
The last words from those lips. They were for me - I did not deserve them. The last glimpse of the world, your last stare was for me, I was not worthy of it. You wasted your life for me. Why Youji, why? Did you care? Did you really, truly care?   
  
You couldn't possibly have cared more than I did. I do. It should have been me Youji. It's my carelessness that brought you to your doom. You could be living right now, instead of me, breathing the air in my place, staring out into the heartless night.  
You said that you'll always be with me Youji. So where are you now?   
  
The other half of Weiss loved you too. Though, not in the sense I did. Bugnuks tore into your murderer's body time and time again after you fell. It was impossible to discern the difference between flesh and bone when Ken was through. I would have killed the man, but your last moments were of more worth to me than vengeance. We need you back. Ken lost his last thread of sanity when you left. Omi -his innocence. I'd never thought it was possible. But it happened. We're all lost without you Youji.   
  
Yes, we're all lost. But I'm all alone. It was you that kept me going in this living hell. Your careless smile, your radiance, your light - all that kept me from giving up on world that I'd thought had given up on me so many long years ago. You never gave up on me, not even when everyone else did. Perhaps you hid it sometimes, but I know you were always willing to listen, to be there. You never gave up on me. So I won't give up either. I'll continue on for you. It's what you'd want me to do, isn't it? I will keep on. But you are the only one that I will ever love. There is no other than Kudou Youji that can fill the void in my soul.   
  
I never imagined it would come to this.   
Never thought you could wring grief from a passionless heart.  
I need you in my life Youji.   
  
And you are in my life...somehow. For even though you aren't here on Earth...I know you'll always be with me -in my heart.   
  
  
  
  
  
Hello all, this is my first fic to be postied on the net, and frankly it's not my best writing because I just had the urge to write at.....4 AM. It is now 6AM. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed. Reviews appreciated, good or bad. Thanx, and Happy New Year's to you all! ^_^ 


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